Caregiving for a Loved One with a Mental Illness
I am posting this post early as I am taking a holiday this week and next. I will make my final two posts of this series on October 2nd and October 9th.
When doing some research on this topic, I had difficulty to find research and/or stories for a person with a lived experience of mental illness supporting or caregiving for another family member with mental illness. There are a lot of articles about caregiving someone with a mental illness which is really great. But it would be great to find some good articles that offer insight for those with a mental illness learning to be supportive of a loved one who also has a mental illness. I know in life this happens more than we know. A parent has a mental illness and their child has one too. Or both partners in a relationships have a mental illness and/or substance use issue.
I am approaching this topic as someone who has been cared for by family, mostly my mother, (but also greatly supported by friends and family) and as a person who provides significant support to a family member with mental illness and substance use issues (my father).
I know that for my mother providing support and care for first my father and then me has been extremely stressful at times. She has had to manage so many crises, and make so many difficult decisions. To say I am grateful for what she has done for our family and, also to try to help me be well, is an understatement.
Some of the big challenges that face caregivers are…
- how to get help for their loved one
- how to live with challenging behaviours when their loved one is ill
- how to keep the family functioning (i.e. financially)
- for some, how to parent while caregiving
- how, like in my case, to look after my mental health while supporting someone whose mental health has instability
- how to deal with addiction in the family
- how to take care of oneself, and one’s needs while caregiving
- how to access professional support for the caregiving
- how to deal with aspects of the mental health system that are not functioning well
- how to deal with stigma
- how to deal with other aspects of marginalization, such as poverty
- how to advocate for you and a loved one
And there are challenges for the person with mental illness in relationship with their spouse or other caregiver. The article, “Loving Someone with Serious Mental Illness,” talks about how it feels to be cared for and some of the emotional challenges it brings (Ponte, K., 2024). I’ve taken the information below directly from the article as it summarizes well the complexities of feelings between the person with lived experience of mental illness and their caregiver/supporter. Here are some of the deeper feelings a person with lived experience might go through in relation to their supporters (Ponte, K., 2024).
~Attacked when you accuse them of not trying hard enough to get well.
~Blame themselves for getting mental illness.
~Fear about never being able to get better and their future.
~Feel people can’t seem to understand how they’re feeling.
~Feel overwhelmed by routine life tasks.
~Have resentment about their situation.
~Have resentment at you.
~Feel trapped from being dependent on you.
Honestly I have experienced all of these feelings at one point or another towards being cared for during a mental health crisis. Normally as adults we have certain boundaries and independence. Mental illness challenges this and complicates these familial relationships.
In my role as supporter for my dad I am still learning how to be supportive of him at different stages of his illness. Now that he is in care in Victoria for both mental illness and early stages of cognitive changes, how I need to provide support is different.
I am more involved in, not only the practical care but also emotional care. It brings challenges for me because it is difficult when I am carving out my own recovery and trying to stay well to be around someone who is fluctating in their mental health (my dad has rapid cycling bipolar between depressions and hypomania). It takes me a lot to emotionally seperate enough not to go up and down with him. His anxiety is so great at the changes happening in his life and to his brain and body as he ages and this triggers anxiety in me.
This year has been a bit of a rollarcoaster. I am learning to simplify things for him, offer more reassurance, and become aware how my emotional state affects him. I have a tendancy to be anxious about things so I have to watch how my worry impacts him. Also I have to learn there are things I can’t fix. I would love to take away his mental illness (and cognitive changes). And yet I can’t. We both just have to live with the struggle and capatalize on the joyful times together.
What I do is find things we both enjoy and make positive memories now. So we walk in nature together. We take out the djembe drums and learn together. We take time for laughter and sharing. I try to help him connect with other people.
I also recognize my limits and need for time off. He is in a safe place so I don’t need to be reachable all the time. When I am most tired, I can turn off my phone for awhile and let myself decompress. Looking after my mental health is my job first and then I do what I can to support his. And this time is made precious because I don’t know how much time we have together. Being able to spend time with him is a gift, an opportunity for healing.
Some things come full circle in life. Through helping him, I realize how grateful I am that I have been helped through my episodes. That I was shown love and care even in the most difficult times, even when my illness created stress and pain in others. Offering support to my dad feels like giving back.
Supporting a loved one is not without its layers of difficulty even if the relationship is generally positive. If you have past triggers or even trauma with your loved one it can be hard dealing with challenges in the moment. The reality is our lives have been a mix of joy and struggle, closeness and distance, and acceptance and hurt. As I work to heal the past, I can be in the present in this supportive role with my dad. (a few tears shed after writing this – a process of both tenderness and grief nestled together). ❤️❤️❤️
And also my Dad supports me. It is a reciprocal relationship when it can be. There are values and ways of being that he embodies and fosters in me that are great resources for me. And he expresses his deep care of me.
I was thinking about how therapeutic art could be used in collaboration between two people of lived experience that are supporting each other. I like the idea of doing a comfort journal – a visual reminder of resources – together. I think it could foster reslience and connection.
Okay, are you ready to dive into making art? 🎨
Therapeutic Arts Activity
Together with your loved one, create a comfort/memory journal for each of you. This is inspired by The Woman’s Comfort Book by Jennider Louden.
Instructions
This activity may need to be over the course of a few visits. Basically gather items that remind you of yourt recovery – photos, quotes, poems, and any pieces of visual art. Grab a photo album with sticky pages and plastic covers or a scarapbook where you can glue things. Enjoy time together as you each make your comfort journal.
Materials
- This is open but basic supplies would be a scrapbook or album, scissors, and glue
Once you’ve completed this activity, here are some questions as guidelines for your personal explorations:
1. What is your experience of supporting another person with lived experience of mental illness?
2. What is important to consider in navigating this complex relationship?
3. If you completed this activity, how did it feel?
4. How can art be used between supporters/caregivers and loved ones or in a relationship where both people have a mental illness?
Being a supporter or caregiver of a person with a serious mental illness isn’t easy and it isn’t easy to be supported when you are in an episode. There is also added complexity when both have a mental illness. It speaks to the need for more conversations, more understanding and more support for the family unit.
I often wish caring for myself in relation to supporting another came with a guide. Instead I am learning by trial and error, making mistakes and seeing the consequences and trying a different approach. I want to send a special intention of kindness out to all those who either support a parent, a child, friend, or a partner with a mental illness and/or substance use issue while also in recovery for mental illness and/or substance use issue.
❤️❤️❤️ With care and kindness, Meegan
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