The Art of Being Yourself…to the World

Why don’t we say what we are thinking and feeling?

Here are some potential reasons that we don’t say how we really feel:

• We were rebuked or shut down by parents, teachers, or authority figures if we spoke about how we felt.
• Societal norms became ingrained in us (i.e. girls should be nice, or children should be seen and not heard).
• We experienced a trauma that causes us to repress emotions.
• We were taught certain emotions are bad.
• We want people to like us and for us to belong.
• We are empathetic and we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.
• We don’t want to let people down.
• We feel ashamed.

Typical ways we can be incongruent:

• We can swallow our real emotion and pretend to feel something else.
• We choose something based on pressure but not actually what we want.
• We can do something we don’t actually want to do.
• We pretend to be happy when we are not (i.e. saying, “I’m fine” when we are not).
• We need help or want to ask for something, but we think people aren’t going to be receptive or we are bothering people.

How does congruence affect our mental health?

I really like what Dan Entmacher, a counsellor from Boulder, Colorado, says about incongruence in his blog post: “…the problem arises when we drift into a state of nearly constant incongruence where we believe we are our persona, even with friends and family, and lose track of who we are on the inside, our real self. When this occurs, we begin to lose the ability to consciously choose what we express and show to the world and end up living in a shallower existence in something akin to autopilot.”  (2015). Basically, he is saying, that if we chronically don’t say how we feel, we lose touch with who we are. When we aren’t honest about our needs and thoughts, then we aren’t experiencing the depth that comes from congruence.

Also, our unexpressed emotions become bottled up inside us. This increases anxiety. Incongruence creates anxiety and/or anxiety creates incongruence. By not sharing true feelings, we create tension in ourselves between what we need and feel and repressing it. Conversely, if we are afraid of others’ reactions, we tend to remain incongruent. Not addressing issues in the present can create long-standing patterns of anger, resentment, or fear. Constant repression also has effects on our bodies as well, sometimes making us sick. The suppression of emotions activates the fight-or-flight response, which is a stress response (Hanscom, 2021).

When we do not saying how we feel, not only do we experience anxiety and fear, but also shame, anger, and guilt. If this pattern of not being authentic becomes a learned pattern, these emotions can build up and contribute to a mental health episode. This looks different in different people. For example, some people will feel extreme anxiety, or some people will feel rage. If one has a diagnosis of mental illness, finding congruence can be an essential tool for staying regulated and managing stress.

In an article on the Canadian Mental Health Association website, researchers found that saying your “negative” emotions out loud, can reduce the impact of the emotion. The article states, “A neuroimaging study from Lieberman and a team of researchers found that the act of turning your negative emotions into language disrupts and reduces activity in the amygdala, the part of your brain that drives your responses to stress and fear (CMHA, 2021)”

If we fail to express our true emotions, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to experiences that are not helpful for our mental health. For example, on some level, I think it’s not okay to be angry. Yet anger is a powerful tool when used safely, to maintain boundaries, ask for needs, and change our experience.

Moreover, if I only live out my happy and kind side, I am living only part of the experience of being human. Likely I will have a hard time when others are angry, jealous, competitive or any number of behaviors because I have hidden them in my emotional shadow, disowning them. Mental wellness involves accepting all our emotions and all parts of ourselves. By bringing our humanness into the light, we can work with our triggers.

How can we become more congruent?

Congruence can change. This spring, I went through a health procedure that was scary for me. I talked to multiple people about my fear. I got all my questions answered, which required multiple phone calls and internet searches. I prepared myself with coping strategies. Throughout the procedure, I told the healthcare team how I felt. I wouldn’t have done that five years ago or maybe ten years. I would have tried to cope on my own because I was ashamed of my fears, and I didn’t want to stress other people out. I was planning to go alone, but a friend offered to take me, which I accepted. It was the best choice because they were so supportive and knowledgeable and helped me through the experience. Congruence can reduce anxiety, create closer connections with people, and support mental health.

Being congruent inside and outside requires one to be vulnerable, truthful, and compassionate. It’s about learning to be authentic in the moment or in revisiting an issue with clear communication. It means risking disapproval or potential conflict to say how you really feel and what you really need.

Asking oneself, “What are my honest feelings in this moment?” and “What response feels right?” are simple ways to move in the world with congruence. Also, the simple statement, “Let me think about that” allows oneself to reflect and answer with more thought. It is important to have simple phrases because being more congruent can feel triggering. Sometimes simply naming how you feel is part of being congruent, regardless of whether or not the situation changes.

 Congruence reduces anxiety, depression, and stress in general through dealing with one’s feelings in the moment truthfully rather than pushing them down.

I have to say this is one of the recovery topics that I am still very much in process with. I sometimes have a hard time expressing when I am triggered, upset, hurt, angry, and differentiating between what I need to work through on my own and what I need to let go of. I am not alone in this struggle. When you are sensitive and empathetic, which a lot of people are, it can be difficult to speak to what is going on in our hearts for many reasons. I shy away from conflict and anger as I can see the impact of strong feelings on other people.

And yet, when people are more congruent, people don’t have to guess what they are feeling. It also means things can be worked out and middle ground can be found.  What I find happens with me is that if I’m not honest about my feelings, they grow, and then I get really big feelings and need to take space away from people and situations that, in consequence, I now find triggering.

My story this week is very brief, even though my history with incongruence started in my early years. I think that fear and shame are significant barriers to asking for what I need, facing potential conflict, and making decisions that are right for me regardless of what other people want.

In the past, I have not told people about the extent of my mental health struggles for fear of judgment. This has backfired because eventually I got ill, and people found out. If I had talked about it more, I could have received support and allowed people in. Stigma still exists whether I talk about my mental health or not and ttalking about it heals me and allows me to live congruently. I have found that I need to talk about my mental health to receive support, to understand it better, and to allow that part of myself to be seen.  Talking about my experience makes it easier to be compassionate with myself and lessens the fear and internalized stigma surrounding mental illness. By inhabiting my life with my full identity, I can be fully present. To “edit” who I am to the world feels like a form of dissociation, because it doesn’t allow me to be my full self. Whatever I put in my shadow, disown, draws me away from embodying what is happening in the now, in particular in relationship to others.

Creativity is an antithesis to incongruence. Writing and art allow us to be present in dialogue with ourselves and the world. The creative arts can bring us strength by allowing our true voices to form. They also give us a medium to express and share how we really feel.

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Okay, are you ready to dive into making some art? 🎨

Therapeutic Arts Activity

An exploration of congruence by comparing three perspectives: how you characterize your inner self, what you show to the world, and how other people see you.

Instructions

Write (or draw) five feelings, thoughts or characteristics that colour your inner world. Write (or draw) five feelings, thoughts, or characteristics that most represent what you show to others. Finally, choose five out of the ten feelings, thoughts or characteristics from your inner and outer life that people would most describe about you.

Materials Needed

• Watercolour or mixed media paper
• Felt pens, watercolour pens, or pencil crayons
• Black felt pen or marker

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Once you’ve completed this activity, here are some questions as guidelines for your personal explorations:

1. Compare your inside drawing (i.e. first column) with your outside drawing (i.e. second column). What are the differences?
2. Comparing the same drawings, are there similarities?
3. Do you think people see both your inside and your outside qualities? Reflect on your third column drawing.
4. If you gave yourself permission, what is one area of your life where you’d be more congruent?

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The first image is of what I keep inside. I focused in this exploration on emotional states that are often labelled as “negative.” The second image is what I try to be around other people. I didn’t complete what other people see because I found it is a mix of both categories, of all emotions. It really depends on the interaction, the day, on what emotions or characteristics come through. I do note that I try to project “positive,” even when I’m not feeling that way. Certain situations might require this disconnect between inner and outer self; however, for mental health, it is important that this isn’t my default setting. And, I feel, I am slowly making progress with speaking my feelings in a more immediate way. I know this is hard personal work for me so I imagine it could be challenging for some of you. Know you are not alone ❤️

Thanks for journeying together today🛶🥰

❤️❤️❤️ With care and kindness, Meegan

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Sources:

CMHA. (2021). Naming your emotions: Why saying “I feel bad” can actually make you feel better

David Richo. (2011) Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy. Shambhala. Boston, Massachusetts.

Entmacher, Dan. (2015). Living in Congruence: When the Inside and the Outside Become One. Retrieved from the WWW December 5th, 2024 Living in Congruence: When the Inside and the Outside Are One.

Hanscom, David. (2021). You Have to Feel to Heal: Emotional Awareness. Psychology Today. You Have to Feel to Heal: Emotional Awareness | Psychology Today