If I were to name my top five fears in life, health anxiety would be one of them. It’s not simply because I have general anxiety that I have fear around my health or that I feel sensitive to intrusive medical procedures. What I’ve been through with my mental illness has increased my fear around my physical health. Prolonged inpatient stays and my experiences there have impacted how I feel about hospitals and the mental health system. Facing potentially life-threatening side effects of medications has increased my worry about my health. Recently I had a health routine procedure and needed to walk through my fears in order to take care of my health.
I think it’s important to explore health anxiety because many people with lived experience of mental illness also have health conditions which impact their mental health. Their experiences with the hospital or in the medical system may increase their health anxiety.
Two weeks ago I had my first colonoscopy. I had had some concerning symptoms and my doctor put me on the waitlist. I was extremely anxious about doing this procedure. So anxious that I tried to talk my doctor into cancelling it. Given the fact she has had two women my age recently diagnosed with colon cancer, she really wanted me to do it. If she hadn’t disclosed that or left it up to me I might have cancelled.
I had all the classic fears around having a colonoscopy: worrying about the sedation, about pain or discomfort, about something going wrong and about being exposed. Also I was just tired of navigating challenges. I have been ready to let go and enjoy some relaxation.
But, the more I sat with myself around this procedure, the more I realized it was necessary. Did I really know whether my colon was okay? No. Could doing this procedure save my life? Yes. Could just the knowing that things are okay in my colon relieve deep seated worries? Yes. Is facing some fears an inevitable part of life? Yes. The decision was made but I was still anxious.
I shared in an earlier post about when I had to get a brain MRI in 2024 and had to work through my fears of claustrophobia and being in a very loud environment. In the end, the anxiety of not knowing what was happening in my brain outweighed my fears.
One positive aspect of having anxiety is that you tend to prepare. Because fear is part of our lives each day when we have anxiety, we find ways to minimize our stress by preparing ahead.
Before my brain MRI, I watched YouTube videos to prepare myself for the procedure. I listened to an MRI sound track while walking which was a way of pairing the stress with something relaxing. I talked it through in therapy. I asked questions about what I was worried about to clarify the safety of the procedure. I did some research. From the outside, it probably looked a bit odd this preparation, especially when I times myself lying still in an enclosed space listening to the MRI sound track for thirty minutes but it helped give my fear something to do, something it could control. In the end, I did have a minor panic attack because I was too hot in the machine but I made it through. My preparation made a difference in being able to handle the procedure.
Anxiety can be a strength. It helped me prepare for the brain scan. And it helped me prepare for my colonoscopy. I gathered all possible comforts, including reading materials and movies picked out to make the prep day as best as possible. I researched and asked questions. I did some work in therapy specifically imagining the procedure going well, talking through it from beginning to end while doing bilateral tapping. I worked to keep my wildly active imagination from running all worst case possible scenarios.
In the end, it all was easier than I thought. Well, drinking the laxative was the least favourite aspect. Think of drinking cough syrup Kool-Aid. The doses were split in two. It was hardest for me to drink the second part at 4:45am. But I managed to get through.
At the hospital, the staff were lovely. In the end, despite the conscious sedation, I watched the whole procedure. Instead of it being scary, it was fascinating (just like my doctor said). The results appear normal although they are doing a biopsy on one polyp they removed.
I was glad for my anxiety to do such a thorough job preparing me for this procedure. And I wished I hadn’t worried so much about the procedure and the state of my colon.
I really recommend for people who experience anxiety to be able to check out their health fears. If that means getting a procedure or tests to give you piece of mind, I advise it. Don’t sit on a fear for years. I literally have worried about my gut health since my 20s after I had some severe problems with my digestion. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to address it.
I also support holistic practices for health. There are many ways to take care of the colon from not smoking to including fermented foods into your diet. Exercise is key and according to research, plant-based diets or eating more plant-based meals can reduce the risk of colon cancer considerably.
I have a lot of compassion out there for people facing health issues and trying to take care of their mental health. It can be a heavy load facing both at the same time. When I had to go off Lithium, I faced the side effects of lithium toxicity and also the fear around having a episode because I was changing my medication. It was challenging to deal with both the physical symptoms and have such high anxiety.
I think talking about my health, becoming informed, preparing as best as possible, and drawing from personal and professional support, have been crucial to navigate my own health anxiety and facing unpleasant health procedures.
I also made a decision the couple weeks before my colonoscopy procedure to just enjoy each day and relax. I did less work. I just dropped into my days with the question – what feels good today? It was reassuring that I didn’t have to wait until after my procedure to relax, have fun, and be outside.
For those struggling with health situations and your mental health, I hope that you can find the support you need and the tools that will help you through. 💙💙💙 Meegan
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